Sometimes it feels like celebrities will name their baby something absolutely outrageous just to get people talking about them. I suppose standing out is part of the job description, I just feel bad for the kid who is stuck having people say “sorry, what?” for the rest of their life when they introduce themselves to anyone. In my opinion, we have a new clubhouse leader for names that seem like a stretch. On second thought, they’re in second place. Elon Musk and Grimes still have first place locked up.
Actor Darren Criss (best known for his role in Glee and Little Shop Of Horrors) and his wife Writer/Producer Mia Swier just named their 2nd child “Brother.” I wish them all nothing but health and happiness (and what an adorable baby) but that’s an absolutely ridiculous thing to name a kid and will lead to thousands of confusing interactions for the duration of their life. So, why? Brother’s Sister (see) is named Bluesy; also off the grid, but not nearly as jarring. Imagine 25 years from now, and Brother is standing next to his bride or groom to be on their wedding day, and the wedding officiant says do you take Brother to be your husband? Total Manitoba vibes. Even worse, later that night when they’re consummating. Oh Brother.
Like I said, this isn’t the first time. Here’s my list of other celebs who really sent it, and I’ll give them all a grading.
1. X Æ A-Xii – Elon Musk and Grimes
It’s pronounced “X Ash A Twelve” and it’s stupid. That kid is going to be in grade 10 before they can spell their name.
Grade: F
2. Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
Paltrow explained that the name sounded “so sweet” and brought to mind biblical references. To be perfectly honest, I actually love this name.
Grade: B+
3. Pilot Inspektor – Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
Reportedly inspired by a song by indie rock band Grandaddy. I don’t mind Pilot on it’s own, but the combination sounds more like a job title than a name.
Grade: D
4. North, Saint, Chicago, and Psalm – Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
It shouldn’t be a surprise that either of these parents chose headline-grabbing names. The wildest part, is they probably would have made more headlines has they went with a common name instead. Imagine? North, Saint, Chicago and Doug?
Grade: C,B-,C,C-
5. Blue Ivy – Beyoncé and Jay-Z
You knew this kid would have mad swagger, and she needed a bad-ass name to back it up, and I actually think it’s fairly awesome.
Grade: B+
6. Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Diva Thin Muffin – Frank Zappa
I have to give credit to the middle name “Unit” as I think that’s pretty hardcore. As far as the other choices? Not sold.
Grade: C+, C-, D-
7. Bear Blaze – Kate Winslet and Edward Abel Smith (AKA Ned Rocknroll)
When your Dad has a name as cool as Abel and they change it to Ned, you know there’s a good chance you have something wild coming. Here’s the thing, I think Bear and Blaze would be pretty cool names…. if separated. Imagine brothers named that? Awesome. It’s just a little too much when put together.
Grade: C+
